Monday
September 9, 2002
Today
was fabulous. It's amazing what Vicodan can do. I now understand
the beauty and seduction of it. I know it won't last long and
the pain is still there but now I feel somewhat better about
living life although it seems life keeps on happening whether
I want it to or not.
I
did http://arachnoidcyst.org
as well as http://purephotography.com
since the last time I wrote.
We
turned 5! Now we are starting our 6th year of Dear Demented
Diary. I think we should celebrate somehow.
I
missed my hearing on Friday. It was at 9:30 and I showed up
at 10. I bitched and pissed and moaned at Florent saying really
hateful, angry things but he now understands that sometimes
my frustration comes out like that and it doesn't mean we need
to divorce although I have been imagining ...
I
have lost 10 pounds. I hope to lose some more. I am trying to
figure out what my body likes. It's really funny how beets change
the color of your pee. My neurosurgeon was also on vacation
so when I showed up on Friday for my surgery date I didn't get
one. They are going to call me with one though. I am keeping
my fingers crossed that he will let it be taped. Poppa also
turned 79 on Friday. Wow. There is no way I am going to live
that long especially like this.
My
back hurts more and more each day. It's harder and harder to
support myself. It's also amazing how Vicodan will take away
enough pain so I can actually concentrate on what I am doing.
I have one more little movie to make and then I will feel happy
about Pure
Photography.
Buzzy
is pissed because her land lady came and knocked on her door
and asked us to hold it down and don't come out because she
was having a "private" party so after spending a very
restful night and day lounging on my old bed (my god... I have
forgotten how sweet it was to sleep in that bed) Florent and
I took our leave and I don't expect that we are welcome there
anymore.
All
I could see that night when Florent was fucking me was her long,
tired face saying things to me in a manner that I did not want
to hear. No matter how much he pumped it was there, stuck in
my mind. Sometimes when I look up at his face I see the heart
shape of it and my heart flutters. We stayed the rest of the
weekend here on the boat and I finished my movie of places I
have been and photographs I have been holding onto in my hard
drive.
After
talking to Leslie more and more I began to think about how easy
it is to say fuck it. Other people don't ever understand how
hard it is to even smile when you always live in this much pain.
I wish they would figure it all out. Leslie said she just wishes
she would quit burning but it's the searing pain that never
goes away that gets me. I wish my nerves would quit dying so
I could feel like I am my age instead of feeling like I have
the nervous system of an 80 year old woman. I guess that's why
we live so long and that's why people die... their nerves just
give out and quit telling the organs what to do and I think
that's what is going on in my body. I hate being a guinea pig
but at the same time I get a perverse thrill out of life too.
Florent
and I are getting along very well. I have been painting and
designing for this show we are going to have on Saturday if
I didn't piss Buzzy off so much that she quits talking to me.
She keeps threatening to run away anyway.
There
has been something that has been disturbing me for a long time.
I read in some rag that a stepfather was sent to prison after
he inseminated his step daughter with his sperm so she could
have his baby.
What
a fucking way to realize that you could never trust your mother.
What a let down. I think it's happening more and more these
days... people don't want to raise their kids so they abuse
them so they will get away from them. How manipulative and wrong.
And what a way to realize that you can't trust your own parents.
I
think that's definitely down in there deep. Why should I trust
anyone because the ones I was supposed to trust the most ended
up screwing me over. I used to feel like it was always me that
I did something wrong but that's not the case. Some people just
don't like you no matter who you are or what you do and there
is no use trying to change it all.
And
somehow some people know how to smell that... disassociation
inside you. I used to think I was paranoid about a lot of things
but now I understand that maybe it's jut part of my condition.
I wish the nerves in my leg would quit electrocting me. I think
that nerve is dying which is why it's always sending messages
of pain.
If
I were to just give up and let this thing in my head have it's
way with my body would that be considered suicide? When I was
talking to Sam the other day on the phone I was hatefully upset
to find out one of us killed himself but at the same time I
kept thinking how brave it was to do it. He just couldn't take
anymore of the thing inside his head slowly killing him and
driving him insane. I just keep on laughing.
A
blue heron flew in today close enough to let me draw and paint
him. I am hoping to finish it tomorrow. I am not too crazy about
the paper I bought but I like the other paper I had before.
The tablet I bought at Pearl's Art Supply. I finally started
to look around the other day at how beautiful it was around
me. I guess I always noticed it but I have just now had the
opportunity to see what is around me and truely appreciate it
for what it is. The end of summer is close but down here...
the heat keeps on coming but the mist sinks into your bones
once the sun goes down. I think I am a very lucky person to
know Buzzy for helping us find this place.
Even
if she is mad at me for her land lady bitching I hope she sees
past it all and realizes that I truely care for her... blessing
or curse I am very glad to know her. Life ain't always perfect
but tell me when it ever works out the way you intend it to
and I will show you someone pretending and sleep walking through
their lives.
Tuesday
September 11, 2002
As
I stuck my hands in the hot water I kept thinking that there
was something else I would rather be doing today. I would rather
be doing stand-up comedy then washing our clothes although I
was painting. I painted these huge Hibiscus. It made me happy
to do it.
Buzzy
sent me a letter calling me an asshole. Life is too short. Snip
snip snip.
I've
got better things to do with my life, thank you. I am so sick
of people having these bullshit reasons why they don't do this,
that or the other. I'm also sick of helping other people out
so I am going to concentrate all my energy into me and accomplishing
what I want to acccomplish with my life.
I
kept thinking about Roseanne today. What a hell of a woman.
She did it her way and fuck them if they can't take a joke.
Thomas
came by and started blaming all his problems on her and I blew
a fuse, told him he needed to quit drinking because he tried
to come on to me and Florent didn't do anything. It made me
very angry and I still feel violated to a certain degree. Get
away from me. I can't fix your fucking problems and I am sick
of your lies and your filth.
Dezaree
called today. We talked about her show and bitched and complained
about other aspects of our lives. I bitched about being sick
and she has it in her mind that I will get healthy when I know
there is too much nerve damage and I have very little faith
that my life will ever be normal.
I
can't afford to smoke pot anymore so fuck it. Another shitty
habit I can't afford. I wish I were dead. I keep thinking about
the seduction of having a gun and smelling the oil as I hold
it to my lips. I think I would have to get a revolver so I could
play Russian Roulette.
This
is one of those moments when I am supposed to talk about how
I can't wait for the BBC show to air to see what happens but
at this point in my life I don't care. I don't care about much
of anything anymore. I'm back to that same, bland feeling I
had before I got married. That I was useless because I feel
so completely used and at the same time I want so desperately
to live.
I
would still like to have a baby. I would love a baby but I don't
think I could ever be enough of a mom. And I wouldn't want to
fuck some kid up this way.
I'm
sick of being mistreated. I cleaned the entire fucking boat
today. It's nice to have it be clean. I need to write the judge
a letter which I have already started but I need to finish it.
God I am so dumb sometimes.
I'm
going to bed. Vicodan, what weed I have left and elavil. I wonder
if Mr. Bickel would be proud.
Wednesday
September 11, 2002
I
can't stand him. He told me today in an arguement that my disease
is unbelievable. I think it's time. I don't need this shit in
my life. I don't need him. Life is too short.
Monday
September 16, 2002
I
have bruises all over my body and I don't know how they got
there.
I
found a place to live in Westwood. It's with a mother who is
raising 2 kids by herself now that her husband passed away from
cancer. I am excited about moving. I am ready to start some
kind of life for myself now... they switched clinics on me.
I am now going to the pitutary clinic. I just read something
about female
ejaculation and I am wondering if they do brain surgery
could there be a possiblity of them fucking up my sex life?
I suppose the pelvic nerves are attached somehow to the pitutary
gland. I am pretty sure they are.
Tuesday
September 17, 2002
If...
I was going to try to do stand up comedy today but I think I
should work on the materials I want to take with me to SF. I
guess Florent is going to go with me. I am going to meet Lyn's
kids tomorrow. I am excited about that because I know what to
do to bring happiness back to them. I may not be able to find
happiness with Florent but at least I know I can be a positive
influence to Ben.
There
are a lot of things to look forward to in life and I feel very
stagnant. I hate that feeling more than anything.
Did
I tell you they moved me to the pitutary clinic? After I was
so happy that a doctor was willing to do the surgery they move
me over which I guess is a better thing. Maybe he is more specialized.
Zack
and I have been chatting up a storm. He introduced me to Radiskill
and Devil Doll. I love them so much. I want a Devil Doll when
they make them. I missed him so much. I can't even remember
why we got mad at one another. Something stupid I am sure. I
need to go exercise. There is a chill in the air. I know if
I was up in the vally I would be warm but... that's the Valley
Porn capital of the world!
I
fit into my tiny jeans now. That's what 2 weeks of eating very
little will do to you I guess. I have eaten this week and that
makes me mad because I think my body might see food as an invader
instead of a healing thing which is why I blow up. I could feel
this morning my hands swollen because my nerves hurt so bad.
The first thing I did was ask Florent to get me some neurontin.
I went back to sleep and woke up at noon. We watched the Mothman
Prophsies last night. Kelly thought that the woman had an arachnoid
tumor but it was a Gilblastoma which is cancer.
I
went out to the ocean yesterday by myself on the dingie. It
was kind of fun to hang out with the pelicans once I got away
from actually smelling the bird shit. I laid out and went and
flirted with the 19 year old gas jockey up at the gas station.
Now there is a job I could work. To sit outside all day servicing
boats and being on the water watching the Sea Lions and other
water creatures.
The
Tamaran from George Town came in yesterday. She was here earlier
this summer and she is soooooo beautiful. It's the biggest sail
boat I have seen lately. She is an ocean liner in blue. I should
call up the photo place where I took my resume the other day
and see if I can get some work there so I can develop all my
film.
My
back hurts a lot today but I just popped a vicodan so things
should start looking better soon.
I
was going to do stand up today I think I already said that but
I need to get some materials together to give away to docters
and what have you at the brain tumor conference. I guess I will
make arachnoid cyst cards and hand them out. I hope I can get
up in front of the people and start talking about what a bad
disease this is. Give them all my fire and Brimstone.
Wednesday
September 25, 2002
So
many, many, many things to write about.
I
loved going up North. I loved being with my friends. I feel
like my old self again almost...
Thursday
September 26, 2002
I
think I have one of the most interesting lives that lives.
Today
is my birthday. I am 12 years old today. I did not get my hearing
for SSI. I was dismissed so I have to do something about that.
This
weekend was amazing. Sitting in the bathtub feeling the warmth
surround me I thought about all the different levels of what
Connie was saying. She told me so many things, did so many things
to me that I still can not comprehend what happened.
I
feel loved, I feel cared for and I felt myself once again after
she unclogged me. I don't know how she did it but she worked
with my charka and I feel that the year I have wasted away...
I feel very me once again. She showed me life again. The brain
tumor conference showed me life again. All those people going
through so many different things. I think that those of us that
don't have 1/4 of our brain missing feel even more compassion
for those of them that do.
I
don't know what is happening. I feel like I am in a whirlwind
that is completely my life. I passed up sex because my body
can't handle it. I think I am going to have to start falling
over in order to get medical attention. I honestly don't know
how I wake up in the morning.
Changing
changing changing... just because it's over doesn't mean we
have to victimize one another and it doesn't mean... I have
to be hateful or anything. I feel like melting into life.
Somewhere
Connie and I were just sitting across one another talking in
a cafe while thinking about baths and what we are going to do
with our lives. I still can't decide what to do. I want to go
back to school again. I want to fall into a cacoon...
I
still... need to write more. I haven't been around Florent for
days now. It felt so good.
