Monday
July 1, 2002
I have
been watching the Biography of Marylin Monroe. It is sad. I
guess deep down I must have known that she was married to Joe
Dimaggio at San Francisco City Hall but I didn't know at the
time when I was married that Florent was born on Joe Dimaggio's
birthday. I love little fairy tales like that.
I see so
many things about her... how tragic. I hope that many of the
women today understand how fucked up things can get and that
you shouldn't let those things happen to you.
Buzzy Buzzy
Buzzy... all the wonderful things I say about you. How you are
certainly one of the best people I have met in my life. That
you cause me so much joy in my heart just for your existence.
All the good times that we have. You mean so much to me. And
even if I disagree with you on some points... I will always
care deeply for you even when you say mean things to me. LOL.
I don't
get to hang out with the Buzzster much anymore. Work work work
work.
I just
have to put this in here:
Dear
Catherine,
I am
delighted to offer you a position as Chat Host for STARBRIGHT.
The wage for the position is $10/hour. The hours will be flexible
the first month, with a more finite schedule to be determined
in August. We will work out the specific details of your schedule
when you come into the office for your first day. The paid
hours will be spent doing chat hosting duties on STARBRIGHT
World. If you’d like to do additional volunteer work
with the Community Team in terms of web/graphic design or
coding, we’d be delighted to accommodate you. Again,
that will be determined once you’ve started and we see
what kinds of web/graphic design needs we encounter and what
your schedule would allow in terms of pro-bono work.
Before
you begin working, you will need to have a background check
done. Please call the local sheriff’s department at 310-855-8850
to get the address and set up a time with them to do this.
You will need to provide proof of ID and ask them for a “Clearance
Letter.” It takes approximately 24 hours to process and
costs $23. STARBRIGHT will gladly reimburse you for the cost,
so be sure to get proof of payment if possible.
We are excited at the prospect that you would accept our offer
to join STARBRIGHT and help us realize its great potential
to serve seriously ill children. We look forward to having
someone with your skills and experience join our team. Furthermore,
we are extremely grateful for the hours you may choose to
work in a volunteer capacity and we appreciate your generosity.
Please let me know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Dana
Online Community Manager, STARBRIGHT World
310.479.1212 x.32
PS Your
references were impeccable. You’re respected and admired
by everyone I spoke with. I look forward to working with someone
of your caliber.
Let's hope
that I don't have anything in my police record that keeps me
from being hired. I hope to God that I don't have any outstanding
warrants or anything fun like that because I didn't pay that
traffic ticket from a year ago... Well I know that nothing else
could be on there.
So I am
very very excited. I hope to god this works out for me. It will
be one of the first things that does in a long time.
I talked
with Tyler today while he was on a boat in the Mediterranean.
I miss him. I was happy thinking that he might be coming back
soon but he probably won't be back for a while. I hope this
other job turns out to be something else too. Dana told me that
one of the other ladies is leaving to go back to school in Hawaii
soon so I hope that this will lead into another position.
I worked
today and had to take the rental car back. Florent is bummed
that Lonny didn't leave him the bike but I tried to make him
understand that when you fuck up people notice. He told me that
had he known Lonny wasn't going to give him the bike to use
he wouldn't have paid him.
Who knows...
maybe we can switch places with Brett (Pearl's son) and he can
live on the boat and we can move into the apartment. I know
Brett is sick of living out there and I wouldn't mind having
his room. Plus I could work it out with Pearl that if I put
work into the site then I wouldn't have to pay rent so... I
guess we will see.
We moved
stuff into one big storage yesterday.
Florent
has this argument that goes g along the lines of "Since
I worked and made so much money then it's even for me to be
a lazy bastard."
So yesterday
after thinking and thinking I said to him "Listen, asshole,
if I hadn't of married you you wouldn't have had the opportunity
to make it ANYWAY." Then I flipped him off. He didn't like
that very much.
Things
are OK for now but like with anything I am going to wait and
see.
Geraldine
was told today about the BBC interview. And that I have stuff
on the web about sex and that I wrote this article and she was
basically my inspiration. I don't think she likes to hear that
kind of stuff. But she was. She told me that her mother never
told her anything about sex and she heard it from a relative.
I told her that I couldn't stand the idea of people going through
that and she basically started talking about how disgusting
some of the things on the Internet are.
But it's
true! I know I have educated a lot of women about their bodies
and I don't think it's fair to not know. So things are things...
life is life. Geraldine also told me that I have to take the
good with the bad and if I was willing to do that then...
I don't
know what I am willing to do. I know I still want to find solace
in other people's arms but I know that will just aggravate the
problem and not alleviate any solutions.
I updated
my sex
page so it looks very wonderful now. I actually garnered
myself more hits as well.
I read
one of the most disturbing books today waiting for Florent.
It's Katie.com and it was about how this little girl was lured
by a pedophile to meet him and he molested her. She was from
one of the richest parts of the country and they had lots
of money. What disturbed me the most, however, was that she
totally ruined the real katie.com's website. In it she talks
about how she grew apart from her best friend while her brother
was dying from cancer and she admitted that she wasn't a good
friend but what disturbed me even more was that she ruined
this other woman's website for her own gain and never offered
to buy the site off of the original Katie.com even though
she had the money.
That
would be like if someone printed a book and called it CatherineClay.Com
and I wasn't the bitch that owned the fucking domain. That
would be almost as bad as stealing a man's horse and you get
lynched for that kind of shit in these parts.
I saw
Minority Report today as well. I was feeling a little
sad and weepy because I'm bleeding like a stuck pig so it
was nice to go to the movies by myself and just sit and watch
the movie. It was awesome. I don't feel like my future boss
fully conveyed the full horror of what it feels like to be
psychic though. I don't think that's possible unless you are
psychic and you can feel things in other people like I know
I can at times.
I hope
to start my other job at Jamba Juice soon too. They have to
pull me in to see how I deal with customers and if I am outgoing
or not. I asked lots of questions such as if there are places
to move up into the company and the dude that interviewed
me told me that they were opening a new store a month. So
it would be nice to work there so I can get free juice.
I sat
at Barnes and Noble and read Katie.com which totally made
me cry. It related so much to so many things I have felt as
a chronically ill person. The shame and guilt that you feel
because you fuck up and people won't tell you what you said
or did so that you don't do it again or even just expressing
your own opinions. It's very frightening... I am very upset
about what happened to her. If her mother hadn't been there
she would have been so fucked up although it sounds like her
mother wasn't there for her to begin with so... lots of issues
going on in that house where money=love and I have my own
issues that revolve around that myself.
The book
was extremely well written but that doesn't give her the right
to totally fuck up some other woman's life by using her website
for the title of her book. She had total control over that
and she chose not to listen. It sounds like she has many more
lessons to learn in life and I am afraid after a certain age...
if you don't know them then you aren't going to learn them
now.
I watched
Crossing Over for the first time today which made me
cry. I would love to be on that show. I am sure my momma would
run through the crowd and shove everyone else aside just to
be there. I would love to hear about how proud she would be
of me...
"My
new boss is Steven Spielburg!"
"COOL!"
Nate exclaimed on the other line while my sister congratulated
me.
I still
can't believe it. I am gonna take some of my sites down. I don't
know if I am going to keep one opinionated bitch up anymore.
I think if I am going to be working with these kids I don't
want them going home and pulling up my site and then having
their parents freak out.
I'm soooooo
excited. I call the Sheriff's office today and she said that
I looked great. "Not even a DUI" I said to her on
the phone. I was really relieved about that one. Thank God they
didn't check my credit. Then I would be totally screwed.
Things
are great. I am sad to report that I watched the fireworks in
Marina Del Rey all by my lonesome. I did, however, spend the
day with Pearl. We rode our bikes from Marina Del Rey to Santa
Monica and then back again. She was covered head to toe and
now I am beginning to think I might need to do that too because
my nose is always peeling and my skin looks like shit. I don't
know what I was thinking when I thought it would be a good idea
to lay out in the sun even though it just warms my bones and
makes me feel so good.
Florent
and I are getting along once again. I am still a bit wary but
he has finally started to stand up for himself. Last night he
was working on a shopping cart he has to finish for a client.
He is working like crazy and I am so happy that things are starting
to work. I can't believe Steven Spielburg is going to be my
boss. I am humbled greatly.
I am also
very excited to be working with the kitties. Now I can pour
the best pieces of my heart into people that need and enjoy
it. I am doing all kinds of research and who knows? Maybe I
can develop this part of my life into a book. I have great plans
to make things happen and I hope that I can start traveling
and bringing something special to these people that will be
unlike anything they have ever seen.
It was
a long bike ride and Pearl and I are getting close. It's kind
of strange how this all happened. Things are going better than
I could ever have imagined. Knock on wood. I am beginning to
feel the magic I have within in my soul once again.
I spent
the day at the Neurosurgery clinic today trying to convince
this asshole that I needed to be tested for Syringomyelia. "We'll
wait until we see the scans." Is the kind of shit I heard
and basically that since I got my information off the Internet
it was useless. I hate neurosurgeons.
Then they
weren't going to give me my medication which says I can take
up to 3 pills 3 times a day and I ran completely out and you
don't want to see me when I run out of medicine. I hate it when
I come close even. I have an MRI next Thursday at 4:45. I am
excited about that. Then the 26th another Neurosurgery appointment.
I should see Neurology again.
Maybe something
great will happen and I will get the health insurance they offer
at Starbright. Maybe I will get a higher position soon. I am
just so excited about all of this.
I got in
the dingie and went for a ride. I took these fabulous photographs
of the fireworks coming through the boats. I hope they turn
out. It was sooooo amazing and there were times I just looked
up and said fuck the photograph. This is mine. This is for me
and I am going to enjoy it for myself.
I need
to write a letter to Leica and see if there is any way in hell
that I can get them to donate some equipment to me and my endeavors.
This is the happiest time of my life right now and I am learning
how to deal with being married and all that good stuff.
Now that
Florent is standing up for himself I can't make blanket statements
like he wasn't contributing to the household because when he
would bring money back from France we would have an emergency
we would have to spend it on but now that he is working he is
really hauling ass trying to make things work. I am so proud
of him. He is going to get another car which I don't agree with
because mine needs more work and it's packed to the brim with
computers. But there really isn't anything I can say about it
either because the fact of the matter is that if we are going
to make it here we do need another vehicle It's nice that he
is consulting because there are no set hours but it also makes
things difficult.
So things
are getting better. I just decided that I couldn't take the
pain anymore so instead of focusing on that I would try to think
of better things to write about. After all this is my diary
and it's supposed to be about me and how I see things.
I know
Buzzy is going through a hard time because of her brother. Today
was Anne's birthday and since she never wants to talk to me
again as long as I live there really wasn't much I could say
to her.
Sometimes
I have to wonder... about myself. I was thinking of yanking
my sites that people would not like because they might find
them objectionable? What the hell is wrong with me?
That is
not what I am about. I haven't fought all these fucking years
just to have one fucking person's opinion get to me. I figured
out something better. I will change my name so the kitties don't
know who Catherine Clay is and I will go by Catherine Paredes
instead.
I think
that is the only solution. Or even Catherine Caville. That's
Florent's father's real name. He fought to keep Paredes but...
I kind of wish he would change it. I think I like Catherine
Caville. That's it. I just bought it. So for the kitties I am
Catherine Caville.
Florent
came over today and took a long bath. "When was the last
time you had a decent bath?"
"I
don't remember."
I guess
it was back when we were staying in hotels. I can't get pregnant
on this neurontin which makes me wonder what it's doing to my
eggs. I guess the kitties will have to be my sweethearts. I
can live with that for a while but today, after we made sweet
gently love I started to think about her. I want a baby. I do
but... there is no way I can do that to myself right now. I
can't quit taking meds and I hope some day I am cured enough
so that I can have a baby. I laid there as we snuggled on the
twin bed. It was nice to cuddle for a change. I don't know why
but I just changed my mind. I picked him out for a reason so...
take the good with the bad I suppose.
I thought
about her... what I would hope that she would look like. Blonde
curly hair and she would have Florent's graceful neck and my
looks and tits. His slender body and she would naturally be
a Gemini... the daughter of a Gemini who's the daughter of a
Gemini who's the daughter of a Gemini. She would be more fascinating
than me because she would have two loving parents that would
take care of her and a wonderful French daddy. I saw a French
daddy at the bookstore the other day and his daughter came up
to him and asked him for money and she was so delighted when
he gave it to her. You could tell she loved her daddy so much.
I want to give that to her. I want her to feel more special
than any other girl on the planet.
I want
her to have hazel eyes. I want her to be confident and bitchy
and happy and loved. I want her to wear Polly Flinder's dresses
and French brain her hair. I want to listen to her speak to
her daddy in French and I want to teach her Russian. I want...
I want too much. But this is my dream and it's nice to feel
this way for a change. I know it may never happen but I can
make her up just like they did in Who's Afraid of Virginia
Wolf?
I can make
her warm and sweet and loving just for me. Or maybe I wish I
could be her. Perfect. Healthy. Everything I can not be. God...
now I want to cry so much. It hurts a lot to know that I can't
have this creature in my life. I can put my heart and soul into
Starbright... but I don't know how it will make me feel not
to have the real thing. And I know there would be no guarantees.
It would kill me, I know this for a fact. And the medicine I
am on... it causes birth defects. If I try to come off it I
will vomit all the time. My brother in law tried.
So... now
I can just buck up. There is a wedding to go to in August. Maybe
I can make it by then. Maybe I can get Pearl to pay me some
kind of money. Now I am depressed. My mom had 4 kids by the
time she was my age. And 4 years away from having her ovaries
removed from cancer. It's funny how we hit certain landmarks.
I was
packing my bags when I got the call. It was Buzzy and she
was worried about her leg. I was bored from staying at Pearl's
all weekend. I would say it was realizing but you can hear
the traffic and I hate listening to cars going all night.
I showed
up at the hospital because she wasn't at work and she called
and left a message on the cell. I showed up at Daniel Freeman's
(which is truly closing in 2 weeks) and she was checking in.
Her foot was a swollen, purple testament to something. I was
sitting there ready to piss in my pants because I was worried
she had a blood clot in her leg and that it was going to break
off and she was going to die right then and there.
She kept
apologizing to me but I told her that those are the kinds
of things I can deal with. Forget the day to day bullshit.
Going to the hospital was what it's all about.
I got
myself in a hissy. Especially when they looked at her leg
and then came in with some Morphine. We sat there and talked
and talked and talked about our childhoods. One dude even
commented on how we looked like sisters and another said mother
and daughter. We giggled and getting her to giggle on Morphine
was easy. Florent hadn't slept the night before. He was working
on a shopping cart and he was tired so I went and got him
at the bookstore and told him that I was going to have to
take Buzzy home. I was trying hard not to cry because I was
so worried.
I got
back to the hospital and they wouldn't let but one person
back in the visiting area and once Florent gets hot forget
it. Today he got hot because he didn't want to pay the member
ship fee to Costco. I don't have the energy to fight like
that any more. I don't have the energy for much of anything
except my 3 part time jobs.
So we
waited for an ultra sound tech to come in. She marked a couple
of places inside Buzzy's leg with a crosshatch which had me
worried. But there were no signs of a blood clot.
I don't
know why I am so good at that but I am. I wish I could do
it and get paid but I guess working for Starbright will be
the next best thing. I love it that there are Aeron chairs
just littered throughout the office. I showed up today way
too late because I was told it would take 5 minutes to get
my letter and it took another 2 hours of crying, cajoling
and convincing the Lieutenant that I was indeed a resident
of LA and that I was doing this to work with critically ill
children blah blah blah...
I got
the clearance, thanks to Florent. I guess that man does come
in handy every once in a while.
I went
to another job interview today that was here in the Marina.
It's working for a guy selling stuff on e-bay for which I
will make a hefty commission and he needs me to do other office
chores which is just fine with me. I guess if I can do all
three I can save up enough to do a couple of things. Or even
pay a couple of bills.
The adrenaline
was pumping and something made both of us realize that we
didn't want to be there and that we might have needed a wake
up call to tell us that maybe we aren't doing what we are
meant to be doing. But then again, if I really felt that way
then I don't think that me being sick would really be happening.
Or maybe since I always knew I was sick...
So today
was the day from hell. Florent almost hit another car but
at the last second... fishtailed and missed. Some other driver
stopped us to congratulate him. We were both so stressed from
being so late. I was late to my job and Florent was late to
his job because of the fucking Sheriff. That asshole made
me wait and then tried to say that he needed a birth certificate
and a bunch of other shit before he would release my fucking
clearance letter. I was so angry I started crying. I must
say that the crying thing goes really far out here. No one
can stand to see a woman cry.
The other
job I got today was working 4 streets down for a guy doing
office BS. He wants me to put shit up on E-bay and then I
get a "good sized" commission. I'm excited about
that job too because I can ride my bike to work.
The car
battery ran out of water so now the battery doesn't work.
Pearl doesn't want to pay me for any of the web work I have
done so I have basically given up. She is such a dumbass to
think that anyone works for free and that all the reconstruction
I have done to her site didn't take any time. I am over it.
Florent
and I are getting along again. It's amazing how things can
happen when we are both working and we don't have a conniving,
manipulative bitch coming between us we seem to get along
decently.
I am
getting tired. Today was a really shitty day but when I got
home I ate a big, fat, juicy steak with Strawberries, Brie
and Bread. It was sooo good. I started to read a book by Dan
Simmons again. You know he's my favorite author. Very through
and complete.
Thursday
July 11, 2002
Shit...
I forgot Mikey's Birthday.
Pearl
is being a cunt as usual. I haven't gotten paid and I have
asked and asked and begged and begged and nothing. Finally
I had to sent her a hateful letter to fucking pay me. I am
sick of this shit and would much rather deal with her from
a distance. She has been exploiting me for her own benefit
and it makes me angry. I hate how older people do that to
younger people.
That's
the most unfair inequality about being young... you want so
much to believe in something and everyone ends up taking advantage
of you because your emotions are invested. Plus I think she
needs some dick.
I
started another new job yesterday. I am a "secretary"
now for Marina Del Rey Yachts. I am Creating the database
and cleaning up the office. I am excited about this job because
my boss, Al, reminds me of my old landlord in Kentucky, Ron.
We just hit it off and he can call me up and tell me where
to find things. He is hardly ever here and he gave me the
keys instantly and then said I could work anytime I wanted
to. I am aesthetic.
I
rode my bike to work yesterday. I told Florent again and again
that I had an MRI today and that I needed the car. They cut
off his cell phone and I dropped him off at a rental place.
We were at Costco the other night and instead of buying the
battery and paying for the membership he threw a God Damn
hissy fit and got his card revoked. So being the dumbass that
he can be he stopped at a fucking gas station and got a new
battery which cost the same as buying the fucking battery
at Costco PLUS the membership renewal.
I
don't think he has a fucking clue. I don't know what the hell
is wrong with him but he can't get his shit together. I start
thinking every once in a while it's going to work out for
him and then he fucks up again. I hate living on the boat
with him because it looks like a fucking trash can. My car
is trashed. My life is trashed but like the phoenix from the
flames...
But
at the same time last night when I was so frustrated with
him for sleeping and not picking me up last night that got
in the dingie and went out to see Thomas and Sharon where
their boat is anchored. We got high and finished watching
the rosy glow of the sun set over the Santa Monica Mountains.
It was absolutely gorgeous.
I
got really cold and ran home. I knew since Florent was in
the Valley all day that he was hot and his blood was boiling
and that he would want to fuck but I was so cold by the time
I got back to the boat I didn't know how to warm up so I had
to coax him to the Jacuzzi by offering a blow job.
We
floated around in the pool and I told him "This is how
we are going to have to make love when I turn to mush."
It
was so nice to float in the pool and then bring my blood hot.
I wore my black overcoat and took off my bathing suit so I
was naked underneath. I showed him how we could go through
the tennis court and half way through there were some chairs
so I stopped and sat down and gave him head which he loves
so much. Then he started the ski pose and we made love outside
under the stars with lights on and no one was watching that
I know of. I love being outside like that though... it make
life so much more delightful.
Friday
July 12, 2002
So...
Buzzy said I go in cycles of loving and hating my husband.
So I take it this is a love/hate relationship. I think that...
I really, really hate Pearl. She wont' ever fucking pay me.
I am afraid I am going to have to sue her. Fucking bitch.
How
come I go through stupid phases like that? I wish I didn't.
"Oh work for me because I am simply fabulous!"
I
hate her. Fucking bitch. I hope to God I don't have to deal
with her ever again. I hope I don't need anything. I hope
I don't need her for anything. Fucking whore. She was so god
damn artificial... I should have known from the first time
those silicon breasts touched mine...
Oh
we don't like fake people. Oh we don't like fake boobs.
Someone
stole the dingie. I am not happy about it but there is nothing
I can do. Maybe they'll return it tomorrow. Maybe not. Maybe
the dock master has it but Thomas said they usually tell you
before they do something like that.
I
wanted to write last night. I wanted to write and write and
write about the wonderful technicians... the best I have ever
had, Gregory, and how he was so healing and wonderful to me.
We sat there and discussed cool things. I told him that I
felt that your pituitary goes straight down into your cunt
or you nuts and it connects somehow. He gave me a "deep
tissue" massage as another guy had his head examined.
I watched but there was nothing obstructive on his scan but
mine still had the grape. He said it shouldn't do too much
and then I told him where I am having the most trouble and
he said it looked like my fourth ventricle is a little messed
up but he could have been fucking with me.
I
have been in delicious moods of late. Bouncing between bliss
and exhaustion. At least now I won't be so incredibly bored
anymore. And at least now I don't have to depend on Pearl
for anything. I don't know how I got caught up in the cobwebs
growing from her pussy but she was like a spider. She was
launching those things on me like spiderman falling from the
sky and then catching himself at the last minute. That's why
it's nice to have your cobwebs cleaned every once in a while.
I
ate blueberries and strawberries and soy beans and a salad
and drank carrot juice. I asked Florent to buy me lunch and
when he did he complained that "I spent more on you now
than I have at Carl's junior all week."
When
we parted I told him he bitched too much.
Ah
love... for what without love would we all be about. Tangling
us to and fro in hopes of finding some kind of contact with
people of like hearts and like minds. That's never going to
happen with me. I lucked into all the good people in my life.
Somehow the bad ones just keep coming like shit down a tube.
I think that might be some of my problem. I cling to shit
when I know it's not right and I wonder if that's because
of the writer in me or the adventurer in me... or just the
other shit in me that feels the need to cling to someone that
reminds me of my past that tried to keep me from going into
the future.
Am
I losing my youthful arrogance or pairing down to the minimum?
I think part of me feels such a strong connection to dying
that I am upset that people don't realize that I am really
ill and I work really hard not to be angry, bitter or resentful
but when things don't go my way or when things are looking
like they are going to change then I don't know how to react.
I guess that's just human nature. Plus you have to understand...
I have never been more scared in my entire life than I am
right now.
I
had this fantasy today that everything was going to be OK
again. That I would have brain surgery and I would be healthy
enough to have a baby and come off Neurontin. Man... when
that clock starts ticking...
Wednesday July 17, 2002
I
chatted with the kids from Starbright for the first time yesterday.
It was a lot of fun. It was really hard too. I forget that
maybe they haven't learned the survival skills that you need
to push forward. I was thinking that I could teach them a
lot but I think it's going to be the other way around.
So
things are things. I am pouring my heart into my work and
I am going to do the best I can. I had a delightful evening
with one of the guys I work with last night. We sat around
and talked for a while. He went to school in Northern California
and he has been to all these cool places and he's only 19!
I haven't even been to Australia.
We
went for a dingie ride. He told me that the first time you
start doing the chat host thing that it's not so easy. And
since they didn't train me to do things...
So
I am learning a lot. I love what I am doing. I am very excited.
I feel like I have a purpose although it might not be the
most altruistic because I am doing it for myself to feel better
about my own situation. And maybe I will find the courage
to leave Florent once and for all. Or figure out something
to do.
We
had an ideal weekend. Buzzy invited us over so we stayed there,
got cleaned up and watched TV. I wish I could say it stayed
ideal.
I
have been thinking a lot about home. Nostalgia. In Russia
it's a sentiment as well as an emotion. I am nostalgic for
Russia this summer. I wish I had enough money to buy a plane
ticket over there so I could go to Kazantip. I would love
to spend August lounging on the beach.
I
am tired. I am working too much and I don't have any energy.
I am doing the best I can to take care of myself but I think
I am doing too much. Yesterday I rode my bike to MDR Yachts
and then to Starbright. I had to ride up Lincoln and then
take 2 buses to get to Olympic.
Torn
between two lovers... treated like a fool.
Book
or Diary... book or Diary... I have to get out of this place.
I am going a little coo coo now. And it's cold and by the
time I get back to the boat it will be freezing and I don't
have a lot of medication right now.
Friday
July 19, 2002
Hard
day today. Lots of suffering and sleeping. I am exhausted.
I have spent too much time working and not enough resting.
I didn't sign up for this kind of shit.
Saturday
July 20, 2002
He
picked me up from work yesterday. I was so sick. I just wanted
to go to the hospital. We turned on Sawtelle to get on the
405 South and he asked me again if I would rather go to Buzzy's
so I just said yes.
She
was still mad about this weekend and she was very diplomatic
at making Florent understand that you can't do that kind of
shit where you take off with someone's car with other people's
property in it. He tried to tell her at one point that it
wasn't his idea to take the bike to begin with. What a jerk.
I
laid there and suffered. Not a lot of people have seen me
suffer like that. Florent has plenty of times. He always asked
me why I didn't suffer in front of my friends like I did him.
He's such a dick. He took off with the car to storage today.
I wanted to go but he didn't care. I guess he has to make
it not look like a fucking pig sty first.
Buzzy
fed me and nursed me back to health. It was pretty scary.
Not as scary as the pathology going into Florent's thinking.
He's EXACTLY like my brother. Lying and in denial. A typical
self admitted coward married to the strongest woman living.
At
one point I talked about how I was still upset that momma
took "My Little Girl" away from me. She was my bitch
from when I was 15 and I wanted her because she would lay
down in the bathtub when I gave her a bath. I would cut her
toe nails (which was how we got into that conversation to
begin with) and polish them. I said I would never forgive
momma for giving her away.
That's
when Buzzy said "It's time you started forgiving everybody
(because that just takes you down)..."
I
told her it was like holding one of those paddle balls. I
don't identify with the pain it really caused me but it's
like out there and I pull it down every once in a while (I
guess so I will have something to talk about). I know I should
just be telling stories about the good things but somehow
they all end up warped in my perception of thinking.
I
hated being so weak and showing up at her door. She graciously
told me how ravishing I was looking. Absolutely divine. Compared
my beauty to Grace Kelly's even.
So...
I am going to do as little as possible today. I think the
Neurontin has done it's best. I think it's about exhausted
itself in making my push myself harder into living a life
I can't keep up with. I wonder if Florent has even put the
relation to me knocking on death's door last night to the
horrible week he put me through. I was trying to be upbeat
about riding my bike and stuff like that but even now I know
it just brings me one step closer to dying.
I
told Tanya a couple of nights ago that Hannah came to me.(
Hannah died from cancer a while ago)She was 8 (which I didn't
know for sure) and she was wearing a hot pink bathing suit.
She was dripping wet and I could smell her. Mom was lurking
in the background wearing a black bathing suit. But Hannah
was so pretty! Her hair had gotten long and she gave me kisses.
She told me to tell Tanya that she was fine. She was so lovely.
So
it's like my consciousness has shattered and I can see into
different dimensions. I kind of knew there were alternative
realities lurking out there from some of the books I have
read like Dan Simmon's Hollow Man. Dan Simmons is my
favorite author. I have a book here about Hawaii titles
Fires of Eden that I am dying to finish.
I
know I have been trying to be strong for so long... but...
I don't want to die. I hate being so sick. I know that I have
done a lot of things that aren't always right but I have done
some pretty amazing things as well. I would like to keep doing
the amazing things too. I know if I live through this I am
totally changing my life around.
But
that's doesn't help when I am plagues by my own mortality
at night. I feel like I haven't done enough and that in many
ways all I want is to be free from all of this pain and suffering
I must endure. This last week has proved to me just how frail
I am. And in getting in touch with my fragility I realize
that I am not a god but merely just a piece of the energy
that goes into making one God.
And
they have it all wrong about being a man. It goes through
the women because we are the ones that have to be strong enough
to put up with shit and bear children which almost kills us.
I'd
like to thank Harley
for always being there. I have chatted with him on-line for
about 5 years now. We met on the Nine Inch Nails board. Had
I known he was 16 at the time I don't think I would have flirted
so much...
I'm
not going to be sad or miserable. I can't be. But am I going
to be high...
Monday
July 22, 2002
Tyler
got back from Europe finally.
Amy
tried to get me fired from my job because she is just a fucking
whore and she doesn't like me. I can't believe the audacity
of some people. I heard him say to her on the phone "Well
she's not rude to me and she's not rude to you."
Then
I knew what she was bitching about.
Poor
Susan lost her grandmother recently because of inept hospital
care. I am very sad for her loss because I know what it's
like to lose someone you love especially your only grandparent.
Florent's
mother, Francine, Thank God, wants to ship me back to France
so I can have brain surgery there. That is something I have
been trying to get through chowder head's skull but apparently
nothing would ever register. Thank God for momma.
We
fought again on Saturday and then on Sunday. I told him I
hated him and I couldn't wait to start sleeping with other
people. He started saying hateful things again then he ran
away on the bike but eventually ended up coming back so we
could fight some more. I eventually shooed him away after
there was some kind of peace and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon
by myself until Buzzy got home. Then we had a fabulous, indulgent
meal followed by fabulous caramel corn and a fabulous candy
bar.
Naturally
I was very baccinally satiated by the time I left Buzzy's.
Tuesday
July 23, 2002
Tick
tock Tick tock... 5 am and I just woke up. Tyler brought some
goodies from Amsterdam and we indulged a little. I just now
woke up.
I
go back and forth on the whole Tyler thing all the time. I
have feelings for him and we share many common interests but
he is still young... and I can never tell if he likes me that
way. So it's nice to share something with him. I would
like to share a lot more as well but I am not making any moves
on anyone right now.
I
feel that... attraction. I guess it's a chemical reaction.
When ever he is near me I feel so... womanly. I don't always
get that way.
I
wish I could go back to sleep. I am achy and cold and I slept
with my makeup on. I am in desperate need of a facial. My
skin is acting all weird and I really need it to settle down
some. I don't know if it's from the sun or what but my chin
looks like it's blistering.
I
must admit I really like having crushes. I have several of
them at this time. There is this dude that went rowing by
me and I smiled at him and he was so delighted by my smile
that he came back by for a visit and was upset when he saw
Florent. Then there is the MRI tech that gave me the best
massage I have had since Chris manipulated me. Then there
is always Harley, my first love, Andy, Marc, Dima, Michael
and naturally Tyler. I just wish I had the same sensations
for my husband... that adoration and innocent lust. But no...
there is the knowing with him. I know what the hell is all
about. I understand his insecurities and I pretty much can't
stand him. But at the same time I don't know how to get away.
Yesterday
he was very upset because I didn't call him to tell him I
was hanging out with Tyler. And I had the car, my camera and
my computer. I also had all my clothes in the car because
I think I was fantasizing that I would run away last night.
I had built this whole thing up in my head that everything
was going to work out... that my life was going to change
but it didn't. I just came back to what I am familiar with.
I
kinda figured that out when I was younger. Sometimes the grass
may look greener until you get to the other side.
I
have been thinking a lot about what it was like to grow up
in my house and how I had so many things around me. I had
my own vanity. I had my own bedroom and bathroom. I didn't
have my own phone line until I was 18 and even then I had
to share it. I was one of those girls that was always on the
phone just talking to hear myself speak or at least it seems
so now. I know it didn't do me any good to befriend Lisa and
have her fuck me over by throwing my shit away when she married
my brother.
I
remember Andy and cheating off his chemistry because that's
when momma got really sick and my father threw us out. I didn't
have the emotional ability to finish that coarse so much but
I still loved Chemistry. If it weren't for Mr. Bickel that
year I am sure I would have ended up in the looney bin. He
was so good to me. He would talk to me in ways my dad wouldn't
because he was a kind man. Very difficult teacher. They ended
up kicking him out of Oldham County because he failed too
many of the bastards and wouldn't take their money.
I
once found a letter that totally destroyed my way of thinking
that where I went to school was dependent on the success that
you put into your homework. It contained information from
a girl's mother that said she had paid for an A and her daughter
received a B. I thought to myself how awful that was and that
I knew my own father didn't care enough about me to pay for
an A. Then Anne did a paper for Tony Delk and that totally
destroyed me because the week after he was on the cover of
Sport's Illustrated for UK and she was the one that made sure
he graduated. I think I lost all respect for her then... that
she could do that but I learned my lesson when I was 13 and
Mrs. Heid had busted me for cheating because I gave someone
else Jeremy McClain, my astronomy notebook. She made me do
a project instead of giving me a disciplinary which in the
long run made me a better person. I now know the difference
between a Cirrus and Cumulus cloud. I wish I would have had
more teachers like her.
I
think about a lot of things these days... I wish I could just
let so much of it go and just enjoy who I am for the moment,
living on a boat, riding my bike in Marina Del Rey, going
off on the dingie. I love that kind of stuff too. I can now
see the sun rising in the distance. It's going to be gorgeous
today. The birds are chirping and there is the night water
clinging to the boat. I looked outside and it's still. The
water has a gentle current and I am alone when I look around,
my shoulders hurting from this disease. I'm up to 12 pills
of Neurontin a day now.
I
was thinking about how fucked up it was that I wanted to be
some where else because this is where so many people come
to vacation. I know I remember when I was in Kentucky or Chicago
I always wanted to be here. And now that I am here I would
rather be in Europe. And I am sure once I am there I would
rather be here.
It's
all a complicated mess. I didn't mean for it to get so out
of hand but there is nothing I can do to change it all now
so I might as well ride it.
Wednesday
July 24, 2002
It's
4:30 am... and everyone is sleeping except for me. My nights
are unrestful and I seem to be waking up earlier and earlier.
I say
that pretty much sums me up in a nutshell. Maybe I shouldn't
be indulging my macabe fascination with brains but it beats
porn. I don't know how I never got hooked on Internet porn
but I made Kevin delete part of his hard drive when we were
together. Maybe it was because back when I first started learning
about the Internet I heard all these horrible things about
porn and the Internet and I made Andy show me what all the
hub-bub was all about. Once I knew I didn't even care.
I have
largily used the Internet as a source of my own entertainment
as well as furthering my knowledge.
I am
laying here in the V-berth... starving and needing to go to
the bathroom very badly. Somewhat angry and disillusioned
with everything. Feeling the weight of life not being fair.
If I could live underwater then I don't think I would have
the pain from pressure or maybe even up in space.
I want
to go to France to be healed I think. I want to be with Francine.
I'm feeling very nasuated this morning. My spine hurts so
much. I'm starting to recognize daylight as it comes. Instead
of bringing me peace it marks another day of suffering.
*
* *
I
am in so much pain all the time. It never goes away and I
can no longer fight it anymore. I'm not giving up but I need
to take it easy for a while. I hate waking up in the middle
of the night to take medication.
I
am having problems concentrating. When the computer is not
in front of me or Florent isn't in my face saying things like
"It's very hard not to wear boxer shorts and have a hard
on because what if you are walking around with your dick hanging
out and you don't even notice?" I... have a hard time
thinking. I know I didn't do all my work yesterday because
I am so sick. I think maybe it's just time to have the surgery
and surrender a little bit. In some ways I really feel like
a superhero. In other ways.... I feel very confused about
who I am and how I got here. I miss my mother and I know she
is dead or I wouldn't be out here. But the feelings... sometimes
they are just so intense I can't stand it. I feel like I have
the nervous system of a new born. Everything overwhelms me
all the time and it's very hard to be out in traffic. I do
love being in LA because right now I feel isolated living
on the boat. But at the same time... I crave the fresh country
air of Danville and laying in bed listening to my grand mother
cook and telling me that I need to make the best of myself
when I think it's apparent that I do what I can to just be
who I am.
Lots
of conflicting emotions. Love and hate... what's that all
about? If you have or harbor just as much hate for the people
that have fucked you over you are no better than they are
and society does not evolve.
I
think I finally got Florent's point about how angry he is
about the possiblity of losing his wife. He's not always angry
with me... I guess he even feels a little cheated because
I have been so ill and I can't blame him for expressing those
emotions the only way he knows how.
We
went on a dingie ride yesterday. The sun was setting over
the palm trees. The sky was purple, pink and deep blue. For
once you could see the shadows of the great mountains right
behind us. It was truely breaktaking.
*
* *
Boo hoo hoo. Poor me. I went with Buzzy and we sat in the
shade and swam and jacuzzied. I know I should go to work or
something but I don't feel good and I have to work for Starbright
tomorrow. My god... I don't think I can wait much longer...
arachnoid
cyst: A fluid-filled cyst between the layers of the leptomeninges
lined with arachnoid membrane, most commonly occurring in
the sylvian fissure.leptomeningeal: (noun plural) : the
pia mater and the arachnoid considered together as investing
the brain and spinal cord --called also pia-arachnoid
* leptomeningeal cyst: See arachnoid cyst.
* leptomeninges: The pia mater and the arachnoid considered
together as investing the brain and spinal cord -- called
also leptomeninx, pia-arachnoid.
We sat
and watched the boats. I felt so mighty and at the same time
so vulnerable. Buzzy got canned because some fucking bitch
that wanted to get rid of her. It was awful how they treated
her. I know how she feels. I hate getting canned. I can't
believe the extent to which they go to in order to make a
business "successful".
I hate
the feeling of being so sick I can't move. I hate feeling
that feeling from laying in bed all day because it hurts too
much to move or do anything. I was very happy Buzzy came by
and we went swimming. I really hate feeling so ill.
We went
for a dingie ride tonight. We were racing Thomas and Sharon
but it was too cold to keep going. I hung out with them a
couple of times today. It was pretty cool.
Friday
July 26, 2002
The
older more seasoned doctor took me by the hand and when he
shook mine it was big, warm and soft. I guess that's what
operating hands are supposed to feel like but I really wanted
to jump into his arms becuase he understood the complexity
of my case and after having a vision test we will meet to
set an operating date.
I
don't think anybody can truely prepare you for the feelings
you experience when you hear the words operation coming from
a doctor's mouth. Especially a neurosurgeons. It's a relief...
what can I say? I was right in some ways.
I
know my life will never be the same. I am so glad I have written
so many things down in such an interesting way so in case
something happens I can remember what they were... I'm really...
I...
don't know what my life is going to bring. I don't know how
I am going to change. I don't know what I am going to change.
I do know that I am loving being outside of the boat with
the moon facing me and stars and masts gently tinking in the
night.
I
went to the Jacuzzi twice today... once with Buzzy and then
all by myself. I stayed up there for about 3 whole hours.
It felt so good.
I
feel so much better now that my thoughts have been confirmed
by a neurosurgeon. And I can't help but wonder if Susan Cary
Eckman was right when she told me I would be really psychic
by the time I was 30.
Their
gonna fiddle with my head. I'm getting my head examined...
Life is so strange. I will never get over the utter shock
and dismay in the looks on Buzzy and Florent's faces. It was
sad for me and then I turned and started asking him questions.
"I want a fenestation."
"I
could do that through a craniotomy or I could go through your
nose."
"Which
ever is least invasive."
"Those
are my thoughts exactly." He said tenderly.
I
don't even know his name.
The
first kid was an utter moron. I was telling him my symptoms
and then he went into this tirade about how they are surgeons
and bullshit bullshit bullshit and then he said he would talk
to his attending. Talk about shitty bedside manners. I hate
neurosurgeons for the most part but hey... I can still get
a personal responce from my first one that operated on me.
It
feels like there is a baseball inside my head that is attached
to every fiber of my being and pulls me along marionette strings.
I plod through this earth trying to control my sensations
the best way I can...
Life
is so strange. I'm going to have brain surgery again.
No
Asprin(thins out the blood). No smoking (blood clots). I need
to know what I should do to make myself more healthy. No drinking
(it really makes me feel bad). I would love to drop 25 pounds
but it seems as if I gained some. I wish I didn't love chocolate
but I can feel how it stimulates my system and since I rarely
drink coffee or tea or caffinated beverages then I can not
find myself giving up chocolate. I would love to beg for things
right now. Take pity on me... begging in front of Godiva...
"Poor woman with no insurance or SSI needs cash in order
to OD on chocolate before brain surgery."
I
could lose my sight but I don't think I will ever lose my
vision.
Sunday
July 28, 2002
So...
I sent Florent to the hospital alone because he fucked his
back up moving shit and now he is probably having back spasms.
Ever since he fucked it up he's been acting like he deserves
extra special care from me but I am giving that to myself
and fuck everyone else right now.
I
think I fucked up my Starbright job. More on that later..
like if I am just being a paranoid freak or if I really did
something brain damaged.
I
didn't do anything yesterday but watch some TV and sleep.
I woke up some what rested today. I just hate having to get
up to piss but since we quit using the toilet inside the boat
it smells a lot better in here.
I
think I am in shock. I feel that feeling of stepping outside
of who I am and somewhere inside of me is this person that
knows the right questions to ask and the right things to do
but the rest of me is perplexed to no end about what is going
on around me. I know I have been sick for a while but I...
forget sometimes how sick.
I
was kinda hoping that everything would work out and I would
be this amazing superstar and get to live in the glory of
all my accomplishments but there are no guarentees. There
are no guarentees in life for anything. I felt like a shitty
wife for not going with Florent but no so bad that I don't
realize I can't stay there because I have enough problems
holding myself up.
I
would be by the pool right now but I don't think that's what
I want either. I don't really feel like being in front of
my computer but here I am. I think everyone I know is a little
stunned. That maybe I wasn't so crazy all these years afterall.
I'm
trying to figure out if I can do something crazy like get
people to watch a live broadcast in order to save the hospital
and make me some money because I'm pretty much bone dry broke.
Ha ha... come watch a live web cast of my brain surgery. That
would be funny.
Man
oh man... it's almost 3pm. I am going to Jacuzzi... and swim
some more so that I did something to try and stay healthy
because I can't really take car of myself so easily now and
Florent... he can only do so much.
What
do I want to accomplish before I go under?
I
was
awakened
by Dana this morning and fired from Starbright becuase I
"applied for the job earlier". I know it was because
of my sites. I am so stupid I hate myself so much.
I
called and asked to speak to the president and she said
there were "Red Flags" that were raised because
I had not remembered that I had applied to that job already.
It just makes me feel that they "help" the kids
when they are little but when they get to be big kids they
don't want to deal with them.
I
know Buzzy is all against this but I am going to contact
the ACLU to see if my rights have been
