I'm sick. Long term disability denied me because of my Arachnoid Cyst.
Kelly Ann pissed me off. She told Steven about Josh and I am so pissed because she tried to tell me we talked about him when we had lunch that day. I was like "No, we never talked about Josh for a reason."
I know this makes me a bitch but I don't like my ex lovers to know my business and especially Steven. I guess it's because I still care about him even though I am in love with Josh and I didn't know how to tell him I was involved.
So that's over. We talked for a long time and she was like "I'm putting together a network of doctors that treat Arachnoid Cysts." I was like... really? That's just fucking amazing since I've done a lot of research and have quality doctors that I have put on arachnoidcyst.org just this week. She had nothing to do with that.
I'm sick of dealing with her. She wants to think that she is this, that and the other when she came into my life and blew shit up and caused me emotional problems I didn't need to have. I'm pretty much over it all. She has said many hurtful things and I realize it's because she was nutty from before she had surgery but now I realize it's mostly because of her warped sense of the world and her white trash upbringing.
She cares nothing about me and if she were to move in on Steven I would hate her for the rest of my life. I can't stand when a girlfriend goes after a man you have already been with and seeing the way she is already I can just imagine what is going through her head. I would be utterly disgusted with both of them. Him for the way he treated me and not letting me in on his life when I wanted to love him the most and her for being such a bitch.
I know I shouldn't care and I should just let it go because I have a great life with Josh but there is a part of me that will always care for Steven and love him in the most special way even though things didn't work out the way I wanted.
Granny and I have basically made up after the mess that has been happening. I hope to see Barbara Alexander next week. I am desperately trying to apply to Yale as I want to go to law school so I have something to look forward to. I think they are going to put me on Chemo to wipe out my immune system, stop the MS and build me back up again.
My back hurt all day and we went to Lexington today and I almost ran off the road a few times and hit a pot hole that I am positive made Granny mad all over again.
Ben called here asking for Granny and I was like "Who is this?"
"Ben." OK jackass, you don't have to be such a cock to me on the phone considering I have never done anything to you.
I need to remember things like this:
I wish you were here so I could cuddle up to you and lay my head between your breasts... and think dirty thoughts.
like licking you from head to toe to listen to you squeal and giggle...
I'm giggling now
and spread kisses all over... random at first and then as the tingling begins to concentrate, it becomes obvious that the kisses are leading someplace...
you miss me so much
you kill me
they are leading down to the moist heat spreading up inside of you.
giggle
I can just taste your succulent cunt now... and I can feel it growing and contracting as I lick it gently and flick my tongue around your clit ring...
tee hee
and I tug it gently and I get rewarded with a small tinkle and squirt of your spicy womaness...
what's it taste like?
today it tastes like a peach!
:-)
And I continue to lick and suck your cunt... driving my tongue deeper and deeper into you... you squeezing my tongue with your powerful muscles... your inner flower pushing against my mouth and a constant dribble of peach flavored yumminess running down my chin.
then you stick your fingers inside of me (not on my butT) and make me push and more of my loving juice races down your throat
which I lap up greedily
my cock is strains against it's own skin as I feast on you.
I greedily want your cock in my mouth and flick my ring all around the head of your cock
mmmm... the silver ball makes my cock jump and shiver with delight.
and you lips sliding over the head of my circumcised cock brings me to full attention.
Its all I can do to keep sucking you,
the pleasure becomes unbearable
my pussy is hot, throbbing and waiting for your cock
hungry
I assume the position and begin spreading lube up and down the shaft of my cock.... and then I give some to your sopping wet pussy even wetter
my favorite is when you inject inside so we don't have to stop ever second I squirt
ok then!!!
that way you slip in deeper and deeper
nevertheless my cock begins penetrating you
and you flip your cock so it hits my gspot
that first second you enter me my breath is taken away
I love it when your pussy squeezes me
that hot wet pulsating embrace
plus it opens up our cunt so I can go in deeper
DAMN have I got a hard on!!!
i bet you do!
I cant wait til I can push my cock against your deepest of places... and bring my head in and out along your g-spot.
So
I don't guess I should give a fuck. Josh is the love of my life. It would take a gigantic tsunami to change the way I feel about him and the way he treats me . I don't know why I even entertain ideas of being with Steven. Besides I know that I have that piece of him that loves me the way he will never love another woman. Just like Andy. Just like Dale. Just like Dima. There is something about me that insights that kind of love and passion that can launch a thousand hard ons. I don't think many women are given that gift.
I can't wait to be back at home in my bed loving on my man in our fuck den. He cleaned it up today. He knows Buzzy was there because she left dishes.
Buzzy's brother had kidney and liver failure. She was freaked on Sunday when I talked to her and I was like "He can live through this. He might need a transplant but he will live."
She didn't believe me until I spoke with her on the phone again and she said that "I guess you can live with kidney and liver damage... it's just when the heart goes."
Anne is being her natural cunty self. She no longer wants to be my sister. Boo fucking hoo. That will change. It always does. I wrote her a letter and asked her for forgiveness as that was the Christian thing to do, not the dad thing to do and that I didn't want any bad blood going on between us.
Mickey, Granny's sister, sent Granny some photos of her brothers and them as kids. She then understood what I was trying to achieve with all the bullshit I did by scanning and stuff. Hopefully she will appreciate it. There are several photos Anne has lifted and naturally she won't share any of the photos from when we were kids even though I was the one that went to that fucker's house that raped her and got them back for her.
I really can't wait to get back home. I kind of hope that I don't have to deal with Kelly Ann again and I have a feeling she will want to come stay with us when I get home but I'm like... um... I have things I have to do and I am not taking her to the airport. I'm sure she is hurt that Josh didn't come by to see her but Steven is there and Josh has better things to do with his time. Buzzy asked me if she should go by and see her but I was like "No" after she said shit about her taking a shower in public places and judging her for living on a boat and since I had to do the same thing I really didn't appreciate that.
I think she is doing fine... she's just bored and now she is trying to get everyone to do things for her because she didn't plan on being so fucking bored. I guess she never really spent that kind of time in the hospital. It brings up memories of what I had to go through as a teen.
I've got to go to bed. I finally got paid what Bowne owed me which was $3,500. I paid rent... I paid half the rent because I thought Josh was going to write a check so I need that $475 back. I got a chair for $230 that is a massage chair as well as a zero gravity chair to take the pressure off my spine. I bought more Christmas Gifts today and Josh asked me to get his brother more mead. "Um... I got them more presents."
"OK then get us another thing of meade."
I've got another check coming from EDD. I'm not going to freak all the way out just yet. I've got so many things to do when I get back to Los Angeles. Moron still hasn't gotten his papers. I knew I shouldn't have given them to Kelly Ann to serve.
I don't know why I no longer like or even trust her but I just don't. She's getting ready to break up with her "boyfriend" that is her ex-supervisor's son. They had her train a bunch of people before she left and I have a feeling they will keep her for a few months or weeks and then they are going to can her but she is so dumb she doesn't realize that.
Whatever. I am not getting sucked into her life. I hope I made it crystal clear that I don't want her messing around with Steven. IF she fucks me over like that I will never have anything to do with her again. I don't need that kind of trash in my life. I almost did that to one of my best friends but at the last moment I decided I didn't need to be like that. I know Jacinta will never forgive me but that's life. Things should be different but they aren't.
I can't wait to see Elizabeth tomorrow. I need her love. I hope I get to see Suzanne too. I know she is mad at me because she has to listen to Dallas bitch all the time but Dallas put herself in that position. I got $3,500 and that didn't turn me into an uber bitch. I want to hold on to it. I will never have that much money like that ever again unless I win this social security case.
3:3o... Fuck it's late. Pee pee pee and an infomercial for Refinish by Lorel.
Tuesday January 4, 2005
Check, Check, Check. Filling prescriptions. Trying to get old medical records. I need to find a disability attorney to handle this shit with Bowne and Social Security. Babs helped me out a lot and told me to go to this website from SSA. gov which classifies your disability. I should call about getting medical too.
I wolfed down some rice crispies. Granny is making me this adorable top with a Chinese influence.
Now I have to get the material to finish up in LA. The material she has here is way too slinky. Granny and I are finally getting along like we should.
I was so happy to see Elizabeth today. She has changed so much. I feel like I didn't get enough of her. I could have chatted and chatted more. I told her I was dying. That sucked.
"You've fought for so many years..." she said when she dropped me off. I gave her the small list and not all of them. Who really fucking cares that you have Degenerative Disk Disease next to Syringomyelia or Multiple Sclerosis. She is doing well and teaching my all time favorite class, Women and Religion. I wish I could sit in and just absorb some of the things I have forgotten. I couldn't believe all the things about her life that I remembered. I once told her Seamus would love her more than Jay. I think at the time when you are going through that hell you don't want to believe any of it because you are so caught up in it. "Just wait." I tell her. "When he's old enough and tells Jay to fuck off for the first time he will be living with you again." I hate ex husbands, especially when there are children involved.
"You know how Anne is... she sees Granny once a week on Sunday." Lesli's words echo through my mind as I take a needle and dig out the cysts on her scalp that I tend to get on my face. They are little white fuckers that never come out. I find the Grandmama cyst and am bowled over at the size of the fucker that I dig out. Anne would never do anything like that for Granny. I look at her mole on her back and see the seeds that grow there when they have not been dug out and I am positive they have been there a year from back when I did it the last time I was here. Maybe 6 months ago. I need to tell Lesli so she can dig for these things as that is one of her all time favorite pleasures.
Speaking of zits... I have this disgusting, painful one on my back probably caused by the patch. It was so sore the other day that I didn't give a fuck and took a needle and looked as best I could in the mirror as I lanced it with a needle that was way too big. It had a head on it this morning and Granny picked that fucker out. It's sore again so I know it's back.
Elizabeth has her life together. She is so beautiful. I can't believe she is the same age as momma was when she died. She is so healthy. It took a while for her to get where she is just as it has taken me. "You are a survivor... you should have been dead a long time ago and you know it." She tells me as tears stream down my face as we say our last good byes. I don't know when I will have the pleasure of seeing her again but I am going to write a letter of recommendation and hope that she signs it so I can get into Yale and start studying Law. I know it's the most impractial fantasy to have at this time but I think it's the best one I can have at this time in my life. I know I will probably never get in, my GPA dropped down to a 2.9 after momma died for a 3.3 and my LSAT scres were only 152 way back when but I feel if I have Elizabeth's recommendation, Sydney's or Suzanne's and Dr. Irma's recommendation then I might just get in with all that and my last name and numerous disabilities.
I just don't relish the idea of spending time in Conneticut in the winter. I would have to get a scooter.
Friday January 7, 2005
I should have remembered the date immediately but I forgot. I will never be without my partner again... at least not as long as this fucking nightmare continues. more than 5 days is too much and now that I am jacking on a plane again I am none too eager to lose the power in my hands. I am going to have to slap a new patch on my neck as well as jonsing for the opium lacing my cunt.
Andy took me to see Suzanne and it made me very happy. "I think Dallas and I got jealous of one another."
"Yeah she was jealous of the emotional bond we share." That floored me. I almost started crying.
It was an infamous meeting as Suzzane is always so accomidating and beautiful to me. We share a passion for photography and I got her a book on Man Ray she did not have :O and when she was in El Savador she got me a handcraffted El Savadorian man that when you lift him up he has a hard on.
It was so nice. I keep telling these people I am dying... they just don't get it. "Well if I saw you walking around and smiling and in a good mood then I wouldn't think you were ill either." Yeah... my favorite thing in life to do is to feel how ill I really am. I feel in some ways my family gave me strength but in other ways they took too much too.
It was definately one of the reasons for coming here. Any of the other sucky reasons that suck for being here almost make up for that reason alone.
I kept smiling thinking about Josh and getting back home on the ride from Louisville to Cincinati. I am not looking forward to the pain of the ride.
* * *
Another plane... I slept through the last leg completely. I am wore out. I can't wait to fall into Joshy Pie's arms. Turbalance. What a joy. The city of Detroit fades into oranges, yellows and distant greens as we climb higer and higher. Reminds me of cupcakes you with candle lit up by the darkness.
I've gotten lots of insipiration to finish one of my books. I need even more to make my Jan 29th deadline of getting my fucking book into the publishers.
It was so nice to meet up with the people I did.
It was really hard not to tell Susan's Dad that she was getting abused. As a matter of fact that was the only thing he mentioned that would really make him angry with his son in law. I really wish she would leave him or move into the duplex so he has his shit strewn where he wants it and she has her own space so as not to tolerate it.
I don't know how women can stay in bad marriages for long periods of time. I couldn't handle it for 3 years much less letting the bastard abuse me mentally the way he did acting like I was crazy when I begged him to take me back to France to get medical care. I'm going to send him home for that. I'm going to send him home for a lot of reasons.
I have ideas to work out on my book now. TTFN. I hope the next 5 hours melt away.
