| In
typical Cathy Clay fashion I didn't do anything last
night.
Last year was crazy so that's enough for me. I
curled up in my bed and fell asleep to the sounds
of the countdown echoing through the canyon from
a microphone off like the coyotes. Dallas came
over early and picked me up so we could
go to
the
parade. It was so awesome.
She let me sleep in the car on the way home.
I am so happy that I could be here for the Rose
Bowl Parade.
Looking at the 8 years here kind of freaks me out.
Not 8 full years but you know what I mean. 8 years
of my life and it's documented pretty well. I am
proud of myself for many, many reasons.
|
 |
I am just
chilling here at home today.
I found
these photos on Zack's site.
I
was so happy to be around him. Too bad he was such a jerk.
Sunday
January 4, 2004
Buzzy has been here since yesterday. I went and picked her up at the boat after spending the night listening to music over at Drew's.
I told him that I had brain surgery. We sat around and talked about a lot of shit.
"I
don't believe in this opposites attracting
bullshit."
"Me
neither."
I bleached my hair today and it looks fucking great. I have been using lemons on my hair after I bleach it to cut the peroxide from continuing to do further damage. Acid neutralizes a base.
I think I have a boyfriend. The kind that takes you out. The kind from Liz Phair's songs. Whatever happened to a boyfriend?
He kinda won me over when he said Depsche Mode was his favorite group growing up. My heart fluttered. I bet his did too when I told him I could make over 100 K this year.
He eats organically. He Juices. He's got perfect skin and black hair with just a touch of grey. He still DJs. He's got speakers that could blow your clothes off and a shit load of music.
He works as a special effects editor in Flame. I would love to see him work. He has a house in South Pasadena but lives in Mar Vista.
His parents are Mexican and he knows how to make tamales but he doesn't know how to speak Spanish. He's got 3 grey hairs sprinkled through his black hair and he pretty much has perfect skin.
He get's hot and sweaty when he's on top of me, which is always flattering. His skin is cocoa and my glows next to his. I had the wrong number for him so I couldn't talk to him much.
I told him I had brain surgery this year. He wore jeans to Ihop that had a hole around his balls. I think he likes it that I am so dingy I didn't have the right number to get in touch with him.
I sent him an e-mail that if he got a wireless DSL that I could come over and work on my websites while I was at his place.
Buzzy seems much healthier now that she is off that boat. I should have gotten more food. We had Domino's tonight for dinner. Ants invaded this humble abode this morning and I had to use toxic chemicals to kill them.
We went for a walk around the neighborhood.
Monday
January 5, 2004
I am not in a good mood.
I ran out of medicine and after Buzzy had told me that she was sticking around another night.
Good news, however, is that I get paid for the holidays. Happy happy joy joy. I wasn't expecting that.
Michelle sent me some shitty e-mails when I was trying to cope with running out of my medicine. I had to deal with the jerks at Payrolling.com to make sure that everything got taken care of and my insurance was going to pay for my premium. Alas... I can afford health care and the deductibles are already better.
Vicodin was like $40 for generic on that shitty health plan Verio offered and now this one is cheaper (somewhat) and I have better coverage.
I should ask Steven who I should go to for my problems. He took me out to lunch today and gave me a bunch of pizza. I couldn't eat it all. Michelle suggested I go on a macrobotic diet. I can't and refuse to do Atkins.
I upgraded to Elavil. I need to go to the pain clinic. I had no idea how fucking sick I am. I couldn't imagine doing this shit without narcotics. I had to go by Michelle's place after work to cool down and let the drugs kick in. I thought I was going to start a Linda Blair in her apartment with the projectile vomit. I can't imagine this disease getting worse. I keep thinking that. I have thought that since the time I tried to kill myself when I was 19. I never wanted to know how much worse it could get.
"Oh just remain optimistic." Fuck
you. I'm sick of fighting. I am sick of wasting my time with assholes.
I am sick of so many things and there isn't a lot I can do right
now to change that.
I don't think anyone really realizes how hard it is for me to function on a human level.
I just wish I would die. Life shouldn't be like this. I am sick of hearing how other people have their own problems. Fuck you and your pussy ass made up self absorbed petty problems that no one will give a fuck about in 100 years. Do something that matters. Free your mind from worry and bullshit. Life is way to short and much too precious to waste feeling like shit.
What makes me so sad is that only people that suffer from this fucking cyst in their brains know the honest truth of what torture is. I have a feeling I am into Syringomyelia. I feel like it's about time to bust out the walker. The torture is just too much.
I don't have to pay for durable equipment. I can get a scooter or something. I got a bill from that fucking prick Dr. Kalijot and he is charging me $250 for some bullshit that I have NO CLUE what it's about.
I hate these fucking pricks. At least with Steven maybe I can enjoy being fucked a little bit more. I think that's a particular irony that made me smile today although I am thinking more and more about Drew. I really like him. Low pressure situation. We might make it to the Jazz fest if we make it. I want a boyfriend.
I feel like I am finally hobbling on my own two feet. Sometimes I get to fancy the idea of living a normal life. Washing the dishes, living without a fucking space heater.
Buzzy and I were talking about daddies the other day for a brief moment. We both agreed that it's hard to imagine being with a man that is larger than your own daddy because our daddies... are our daddies.
I sure wouldn't be who I am today if we weren't so fucking much alike.
I don't know if I all of a sudden became more attractive or what but everything is falling into place. I think it's timing but why do I have to be so happy and falling apart all together at the same time? It would be so nice to get it all together right for a change.
I think people live in denial because the truth is just to awful to confront. Fuck it. I think I have to use my walker tomorrow. I didn't wear my corset. Maybe that's why I feel like shit.
I miss Zack. Big shock. I miss the ghouls a lot.
I think I sent a clear message to both Buzzy and Michelle that I can not give them drugs and run out of them because I'm really fucking weak and can't afford to pass them out to them just because. I wish I could afford to do so but it's not my thing.
Michelle is funny. She thinks we are going to put 18 million in the pipeline by the end of February.
Tuesday
January 6, 2004
Sitting on the edge of my bed about to go mad... I am naked, I smell funny and there is shit on my hair. I am so tired I wish I would die. I wake up and do it again tomorrow.
I want to puke. Every inch of my body is sore. I can barely keep my eyes open.
I don't understand why anyone has to hurt like this. It's impossible.
Friday
January 9, 2004
100 round pills 5 mg a piece Marinol $35
1 10 mg patch Duragesic
1 mg Xanax
I went to the pain doctor after I saw the real one. I am to be examined by a neurophysocologist. I am to start Physical Therapy.
I take
the patch yesterday. Steven came by late. Lies, lies, lies.
My life plays out like a terrible soap opera.
I come to Pasadena. I shop this am. The doctor gave me the day off. He is the kindest most sympathetic doctor I have had. The Marinol is key. I don't have to waste so much money buying pot now. I can just take the pill and feel good.
Today is the first day I have woken up and felt human. I felt like maybe I could have a real life. I bought real shoes. I had sex for the first time and it didn't hurt.
I think... I need to lay off a lot of things. I am just chilling. I love the goth outfit I got today. I am going to wear it out to Sandy's party tomorrow.
I woke up around 5 am. I had a coherent conversation with Michelle to get to woke. I don't know what I would do without her. I honestly needed to have the problems I had this week to get the medication I needed. When I went to see Dr. Chong he tried to have me lift my arms and I started crying because it hurt so much.
When I went and saw Dr. Wang he took a tissue and rubbed it along my skin and it made me hurt more. He said I was either having neuropathic or psychological pain and I told him it was neuropathic.
I know Steven loved being inside me last night. He spilled his guts. I am not happy. He has his own bed room. He lied to me. My life... the movie. They present to you all the varieties of life that they can possibly imagine in corporate America land.
One day you will work. You will be someone's girlfriend. You will be someone's boyfriend. You will be objectified. You will be a wife. You will be an artist. You will be a mistress. You will rule the world. You will live a life like no other.
James sits next to me. We are getting along better because he has a better idea of who I am now. I have to get Sandy a present. I want to make us a website.
I knew I was not fat. All the inflammation from my arachnoid membrane made my face puffy. The bike riding seems incidental. There is so much going on now. Life just keeps getting better and better. I hope to make this a successful year. I believe I have to move to Pasadena ASAP.
I am so happy to have that THC. I am so happy to wake up and not be in pain. I put the patch on my tit in front of Ren the pharmacist. She ran up to me and told me before I left that the Marinol was sticking in the bottle. She changed the dose from 50 10 mg to 100 5. I am ecstatic. I feel like I am walking on the moon.
I think I should forego some of the meds to knock me out so I can catch up on all the work I need to be doing. I feel like I can never step up to bat. I did get some great clothes today. And a pair of leg warmers.
All the wants and desires. "She didn't come to the hospital when I had brain surgery." Even
Florent wasn't that kind of monster. His Grandfather went to Yale. The story
line. Granddaughters and grandsons of Yale. What happens to families from
Ivy leaguers? Do we have the same impact on society. Is it like what Buzzy
was saying that having a daddy that is larger than life really makes it difficult
to find a man that measures up.
I'm not going to see him again. I was right when I thought at least I would enjoy this fucking.
Thursday
January 15, 2004
What a crazy ass week.
Saturday
was one of the best nights of my life. I am getting used to this not waking
up in pain shit. With Olga I hang out with the hottest people in LA I think.
We aren't all famous but more infamous in our own ways. We are all hot
in our ethnic hot ways. I
mourn for Drew. He dropped out. His momma is sick. He is missing his sister.
He's such an awesome guy... there is nothing I can do. He doesn't want
loving. He can't give much because there's not much to give. A first mid-life
crisis.
Michelle has been hanging out with me because she is trying to get her husband to get medicated.
I agree.
No one can believe she is still chilling with me.
I saw Dr. Chong today and he wants to get me off drugs. I have to wonder if Steven didn't call him and tell him something.
I can't tell you what it's like to wake up and not feel pain. I finally feel like I have a life again.
Sunday
January 18, 2004
I place my lips under his stealing whatever form of tenderness I can.
"We can't go in the car." He
is trying to convince me not to go in the car while his hands are discovering
my bare ass underneath my dress. His other hand moves to the front and
he grabs my pussy.
"When was the last time you did it in a car?" I
chide him.
I pick up the junk in the back of the car and put it in the trunk. Bent over I start sticking my ass out under my dress and swaying my hips back and forth.
He can't stand the wait. I tease him a bit longer and then make my way into the back so we can make out and have kisses all over. He gets uncomfortable on top on me. He saturates me with more kisses and makes his way to my breasts and down to my freshly shaven lips which are longing for his kisses.
He takes his fingers and puts them inside of my cunt and moves them in a holding pattern on my g-spot. I moan and gush in kind. He rubs harder and I beg him to please start fucking me. As he searches for a condom I contort my body to suck on his cock.
My heart stops the way that it always should when you first let someone in your body. His hips sway back and forth in a circle. I have my feet on top of the seat front and back so I can leverage myself to move with him so his cock can hit my g-spot more. I push down on him and he sucks a kiss from my lips.
I know if there weren't a condom locking down that his skin would have been caught and the inside of his cock would have hit me deeper but for now he can suffer.
We move like this for what seems to be hours, me pulling him close to my body with my legs wrapped around him pushing him deeper inside of me. Me pushing down so hard and bucking like a horse for the torrent of pleasure he was giving me.
I pushed down harder on his cock and then he started to ram it inside of me which made me scream with pleasure which made him come.
Tuesday
January 6, 2004
What is $1,482.50?
A prescription of Marinol without a co-pay.
So I have put over 5 million dollars in Michelle's pipeline. One deal fell from the sky. It's over $150K. It's from a call I made on December the second and the dude from Lawrence Berkeley called me back and fed exed me a RFP.
I would be fucking stoked if I weren't so god damn exhausted. I am alone for the first time in over a week. I needed the peace. No up stairs neighbors. No one else.
I am sore and achey. I haven't medicated myself for a few hours.
And Victor is fucking with my package. He wants to give me 1% of Michelle's sales when the other jack ass doing this is getting 2% and I do rings around him. And I don't think anyone has ever sent him an RFP for 150K for one phone call.
I am weak. I sent Steven that salacious e-mail and then I didn't hear from him. Friday when he couldn't get me on line or talk to me he flipped out and for him to be so consistent and then not call me or e-mail me was out of character. I should have known he was ill but I just sent him an e-mail that maybe having a mistress was too much for him to deal with.
I know it's too much to deal with being one and I don't know how I really got myself into this situation.
I am spent for other reasons. Getting this Duragesic right and all the other meds right isn't easy.
I went on a date with a dude today and it seems like we might have more than a few things in common. He lost his mom a year ago. We are coming up on the start of 7 but what I am told is 6.
I went back to try and find what I had been doing on Jan 19. on any other year and I couldn't find any day I had written. Then I came to 1998 and realized it was time.
I honestly don't want to edit my diary anymore. I just want to publish it and have an art showing and book signing.
Thursday
January 21, 2004
"So today is the healthiest day of your life?" The
cabbage boils in the soup. I am antsy. I have never been
to this part of town. I am sick. My patch is fading. I
puncture the surface so I can squeeze whatever is left
out and rub it on my skin to bring me relief.
"Yes." I
admit. Buzzy says I like to play the victim.
She should talk. I must admit that she knows how
to play
her cards
too. She fucking cleaned her shit up today
and looked great for her interview. I think she is
ready
to
feel better about herself since I put that
ad on craigslist.
I was going to go to a brain tumor support group today but I missed it.
I couldn't find it and I was so fucking frustrated by the time I figured out where it was that I just gave the fuck up.
Buzzy got the perfect hair cut.
I read Dallas a bed time story last night. It was when I first got to Russian in 1998. It was profound to know that some of the same ideals I held and believed to be truth are still a part of my core existence.
I received the most beautiful letter from Kate yesterday for the Arachnoid Cyst Foundation.
I broke open 3 Marinols and put them into my one hitter full of weed. Tyler is coming over to imbibe.
I'm pretty doing. I put my new patch over my heart. I remember when Dr. Kelly tried to get me to use the pic line and I wouldn't. The heart and pump that drug so it spread out more. I liked it on my leg too. That made my leg quit jolting.
I am going to move to Pasadena.
"It
is not the way you live because of the disease,
it is living in spite of it. "
Friday
January 23, 2004
I came
home and there was a note on the door. I can move out of here sooner than later. I am not happy being here because I really didn't like taking a shower in shit.
Sebastian
said to me that it was tampons that they found in the
toilet and it took me a while but I was like "I don't even USE tampons!" That's
what made me mad.
I am supposed to go clubbing with Dallas. I guess I will end up moving in with Michelle. I might not do it. I might just wait. The offer is tempting but I think I could put it off for another month and really stick around.
Saturday
January 24, 2004
I passed out last night. Dallas and I were going to go out clubbing last night. Instead we went clubbing tonight.
We arrived at the White Lotus and I got to skip the line because I am hot.
That's where I met the man of my dreams for 15 minutes. His name was Yosi and he had a huge chest and hazel eyes. I kept asking him where he was from and he kept asking me where I wanted him to be from.
"Kak dela?" he
finally said.
"Ya, ochen horosho." I say as my lips caress his. He kisses me back but then tells me that I would have to go through his friend. He pointed to a "skinny" girl
and said that she was his girls friend."
"Da ti sto?" And
so the fuck what? I can still smell his lips on mine. He
was so awesome. I was wearing my Russian hat.
I had breakfast with Tyler today. He brought a friend and we drove around in his dirty Audi getting high. I cranked the seat all the way and didn't break a sweat.
"Girls
don't like boys
Girls like cars and money..."
I called Drew the other day. He called me back.
I got a new cell phone from the company. I am really freaking out because it's hard to adjust to not living in so much fucking pain all the time.
Dallas and I, after we dance like crazy and I have the encounter with Yosi leave to meet Vadim at Palms Thai restaurant on Hollywood.
Fucking figures now that I know where to go I am leaving. We went by and saw Chris and Jen tonight. It was such a blast. They always have another room mate. It's weird.
"Girls
don't like boys
Girls like cars and money..."
Steven drive a new BMW. I guess for a while I am going to get fit and just fuck with men's head. Why not? God made me this way. Some women were just meant for pleasure and I believe I am one of them.
"Today
is the healthiest you will ever be?"
Today is the best day of my life. I am so fucking happy.
Sunday
January 25, 2004
I woke up at 3.
I have been watching the Osbourne marathon. I am glad they have these so I can catch up.
My asshole landlord told me a half an hour before some schmo came in that he was showing my place. I was none too happy. It's nice to know even though I live in a slummy apartment that I can still drink out of nice crystal too.
I was telling Buzzy that I think we have our memories stored into our bodies so that we remember things that happened many years ago on the same day. Life is so many layers.
I am sucking all the energy that I can from this place. I have on a heater, my hair dryer and other things are running.
I don't think that moving in with Michelle is the best thing for me. I kind of decided today that I should be living alone.
Monday
January 26, 2004
I
had a really bad day.
Tuesday
January 27, 2004
So today I went on a date. I think he might be a little too fruity. He was born on of all days Florent's birthday. Why out of like 13 million guys in LA one of the real freaks that I think might be OK cool was born the same day as my (one day) ex husband.
He's a Yogi instructor that did a lot of cool things but in the same breath he's really having a problem with dealing with this whole growing up thing. All the things he told me he wouldn't do and I caught him on a big lie early on.
Steven said that he might bring his daughter with him to his lunch with me tomorrow. I'm a bit concerned but apparently he doesn't care who knows about me anymore.
Today was my second day of physical therapy. I have Edgar pump the electric up as far as I can take it. I have more on Thursday. I am excited. He had me on the machines and it hurt so much I wanted to vomit so I stopped.
God... I need to get some sleep.
Thursday
January 29, 2004
It's been 6 fucking years and I want to vomit.
I had physical therapy today. They crank up the electrocutions to 25. The highest is 50. It hurts so good. I don't know why my brain registers pain as something that makes life so much worth living.
I've been in so much pain for so long that now I'm on the patch it's really strange to be fucking warping through the day on drugs, nauseated and trying to concentrate on things.
Today James left me a gross message. I won't be around him anymore. I am sick of my life's focus on them because after listening to Michelle, having her abuse me and ask me for drugs. Now that they are clean James doesn't see how me moving in with them will benefit him at all.
I can't take care of other people's problems anymore. I have myself to worry about and the accomplishments I would like to make.
Steven had me meet his daughter the other day. I am a little concerned.
Saturday January 31, 2004
Fuck. One minute I am with some dude that was nominated for an emmy and the next with a thug that wants to passionately rape me. He was asking the wrong questions. Then he asked the right ones.
The director/producer/film maker was on "the list" to get into 9000 Sunset. A chick that looked like Michelle Phieffer was at the bar. I don't think it was her. They lit the bar on fire.
"I won't live with someone that won't live with my disease."
"What's the longest relationship you have ever been in?" I ask
"11 months. How long did you date before you got married."
"3 days."
"3 days? Why?"
"I was in love."
"Why only 11 months?"
"Well, you know. People start having their little quirks."
"You've never loved anyone unconditionally." I say to him eating with a black plastic fork with red fortune cookies. My fortune sucks. You will live a peaceful life.
MMMMMMM..... Duragesic. The best thing about Duragesic is that you want to vomit... oh wait is that the combo of having a brain tumor AND this opiate? I think so.
He isn't interested in me. We walk into the Hustler store. I pick up some toys. I want to go there and get some shit. I need to get Chris to take me there. I found an outfit I want to wear when I do stand up. A "Fuck Bush" t-shirt and Hustler pants. I picked up one of my titles. Hustler XXX 18. There is my character on the cover. The DVD alone is $34. I was paid a measly $50. Skin Flint.
I don't eat all day on the weekends. I figure my body could use the rest. I should be drinking that shit that makes you shit to get the shit out of my colon. Buzzy is on me to keep myself clean. I love how she takes care of me.
I was over at her place until like 3 or 4. I went to bed at 4 and I am too tired to go out now. I just want to sleep. It's fucking cold. All the servers loved looking at my tits.
"girls like cars and money..."
He ran out of bucks. He drove an Infinity. He said he owns a house. He asked me for weed. He was surprised at how strong my weed was. "I don't fuck around. I don't waste my time, either. " I tell him echoing his words from dinner earlier when he was talking about how he won't date a woman further if there is nothing there.
I am no longer fucking men on the first date. I know that's all they really want but I can't do it. Steven is the only guy that has shown an interest after one date in spending more time with me. I wish I didn't have feelings for him. It really makes it hard for me.
God we talked so much. I love Buzzy so much. Hitting the Jacuzzi we sat down and talked about how bad our credit was. My score is a 503. "I can never own a house because of my disease, LESLI. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:/"
I guess I could clear up 15K and get it down to 4 or 5 and then pay that off in 5 months. I need an attorney. I need someone to negotiate this shit. I need to get ready to go to school. I think I am keeping my dinky pad in Hollywood. My heart is here right now. I know the drive will kill me but having physical therapy is helping a lot with that drive home and I always take the expressway and get stoned.
I told Buzzy I needed that time to just cool down and think. I guess if I just arrange this shit and throw shit away that will work. I have my ceiling looking like the way I want it.
God it takes so much energy to go out with assholes too worried about their image than really enjoying themselves. He enjoyed himself way too much last night and gave me the left overs. I don't like that.
I liked that he had and will never do coke. Buzzy told me how she was inducted into her first time. A naked David Crosby offering her the first taste. "I haven't had to have a job in 54 years" echos through my head.
I bought muxic from Apple's store. "Ya'll going to make me lose my mind up in here up in here..."
I am going to put away half my paycheck and start taking care of bidness. I can't believe how much money I made last year already. 4K from November to December for taxes. I can't wait for those commissions to kick in. I can't wait to be a sales person.
I told Buzzy how Michelle wants to start her own business. She tells me Jason is an idiot. "Don't get me wrong... he has really taken care of me but you can ask anyone when I WAS running Paracel it was much better." She forgets Paracel was a company before she arrived.
Shit... it's 4 am now and I better pop a pill or I won't sleep. Maybe I should stay up all day. That a bonus for having a brain tumor. The insomnia. I don't know what I was expecting when I saw my new MRIs the other day. I thought my brain would have bounced back and there would be no Arachnoid Cyst in there but there it was. Still pushing my delicate pituitary gland into a Jelly bean. I wanted to throw them out the window. I was pissed. I am hurt. I am going to have to have another fucking brain surgery.
I talked to Sue tonight. It was good and sad and I tried to talk about things other than Kim because I know when I was wrapped up with momma if people talked to me about other things than I was able to wade through a little easier even though I was consumed with grief. Life has taken on a different twist now that I don't feel like I am going to fall over and die all the time. I take the patch off and 5 minutes later the waves of projectile vomiting come to mind and the pain kicks back in. I put the new patch on my tit remembering Chris taking my pulse last Saturday. I move the patch to the back of my neck. Then on to my ass.
I think I could have a root canal and it wouldn't hurt. My teeth are numb. It's the second day and on my tit. A little squeeze "she's sexy sexy sexy..." tell me Daddy James.
I guess I should sleep for a while. I hate that my heart is so into this. I feel like I am impenetrable. I think it shows that I am not overtly trying to get out out. I think I would have had more fun club hopping alone. I should try that sometime.
I need to have new photos taken of me. I need to do some laundry. There are so many things I need to be doing. I remember being a kid the first time I saw Conan.
